Jokes

Husband Jokes - Quick Thinking

While vacationing at the beach, Deanna decided to throw a fancy dinner party. Just before the party was to begin, she sent her husband to the beach for fresh snails. On his short walk to the beach, he decided to stop at the local bar for a quick drink.

One drink turned into another and another, and the next thing he knew, it was 2am and the bar was closing. He knew trouble was waiting for him, so he’d better not return home without the snails. He ran to the beach grabbed as many snails as he could find and quickly headed home.

Heading up the front door he stumbled and fell losing the snails on the ground. Just then Deanna opened the front door, and started in on him, "Where have you been? You’ve ruined the whole party!"

With never a hesitation, her husband looked down at the snails and said "Hurry up guys! We’re almost there!"

Blonde Jokes

A blind man is struggling with small talk at a party and decides a joke will break the tension. So he says "Who wants to hear a blonde joke?" He gets dead silence. Wondering if maybe no one heard him, he raises his voice and asks again. Again, no response.

Then he senses someone quickly approaching him. A voice says, "I'm James and I;m blond, I hate blonde jokes. My wife is with me and she's blonde and she hates blonde jokes. There's a blond bodybuilder about a foot away, glaring at you – I'm pretty sure he hates blonde jokes too. So, do you still want to tell your joke?"

"Heck NO," responds the blind man, "Not if I have to explain it that many times!"

Internet Joke

John was trying to convince his elderly mother that she needed to give the Internet a try. She'd been holding out for decades and John was convinced that if he’d just get her to spend an hour online, she'd be hooked.

Finally giving in to his pleading, his mother put on her reading glasses and sat to the computer desk, ready for her first lesson in the new-fangled Internet thing.

John proceeded to open a web browser and explained that he was going to the Google home page. As it quickly loaded, he explained, "You can type anything you want in this box in the middle of the screen and Google will find the answer to your question."

His mom looked at him skeptically, and thought for a moment. Then started typing: How is Betty doing today?

Speeding Ticket Joke

While speeding down a road she often travelled, Sherry, a busy realtor was stopped by a young state patrol officer, for going 69 in a 55 zone.

After she pulls over, the officer approaches her window and asks to see her license.

She responds, "Sorry officer. It was taken away for drunk driving a couple years ago."

His face darkens, and he asks for the registration of her car.

Her response, "I'm not quite sure where it is. You see, I stole this car and killed the driver. The body’s in the trunk."

"DON’T MOVE. DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD. I'm calling in backup."

Minutes later, a flurry of police cars arrive and the police chief approaches Sherry’s car. He asks to see her license.

With a smile, "Certainly, Officer" and produces it from her purse.

He then asks for the car registration, which she takes from the glove compartment with another smile.

Slightly bewildered, the chief asks her to open the trunk of her car. Obligingly she does so, and the chief sees that it’s empty.

"My officer reported that you had told him you were unlicensed, had stolen a car, killed its owner, and stowed the body in the trunk. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Pointing her finger accusingly at the officer who stopped her, she replied "I bet that liar also told you I was speeding."

An Honest Lawyer

An elderly man known for his miserly ways decided he wanted to take his money with him when he died. In order to ensure it happened, he gave $150,000 each to his priest, doctor, and lawyer, with the instructions that they place it in his coffin before he is buried.

A couple of days after the funeral, the priest was overcome with guilt. Meeting up with the other two, he confessed that he had only put $100,000 in the coffin. The doctor confessed that he too was feeling guilty, as he’d only put $50,000 in the coffin.

Outraged, the lawyer stormed, "I cannot believe that you two would be so dishonest, stealing from a dead man. I am the only honest one amongst us. I wrote him a check for the full $150,000!"

Animal Crackers

6 year old Tommy asked his busy mom for a snack one afternoon. She passed him a brand new box of animal crackers, told him to take some and put the box away when he was done. An hour later she came back to the kitchen to find Tommy puzzling over the entire box of crackers he had dumped out on the table.

His mom asked him what him what he was looking for and why the table was covered in crackers.

Tommy replied, "It said do not eat if the seal is broken. I’m still trying to find a seal."